Looking Back and Moving Forward

In line with the annual essay writing contest in time for the new year, I also began to reflect on the year that just passed, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember half of what happened or how I felt about the events of 2018.

A quick browse through my Instagram account reminded me of how eventful 2018 actually was. To recap, 2018 was when

• I finished the second month of my maternity leave;
• I got to know my second son and reacquainted myself with the joys and challenges of mothering an infant;
• I had my face-palm interview with the Judicial and Bar Council (although to be kind to myself, it must not have been all that bad since I did get shortlisted for a position);
• my husband had an angioplasty;
• we almost lost my parents' house;
• my sister went back to New Zealand and her family followed a few months after;
• my mom sold a property which netted her several millions and then spent/gave/lent most of it in a span of 1 month;
• my new niece was born ( lucky number 13);
• I lugged my baby to Bacolod and Cebu just because he was the chillest baby ever (sadly, he's not so chill anymore and he's morphing into a little diva);
• my baby turned a year old; and
• we spent the holidays in Biliran and I got to spend time with my in-laws and US based cousins.

In between that was work, time spent with family and Netflix.

I remember being furious with my husband after his angioplasty.

Prior to his operation, I was busy getting money together, arranging things at home (since I had an infant son and child who also needed to be looked after), and literally running to the office when needed.

During his operation, my cousin, who was in town for a conference, dropped by and accompanied me during the wait. It was cathartic to have someone to talk to and unload all the shit that had been festering inside me.

After the operation, he was cleared by the doctor and we went back to the ward. It was during those moments of quiet that my anger began to bubble up. Anger that it had to come to this due to his negligence. My anger has since abated since he has owned up to his shortcomings and has done the necessary steps to prevent a repeat (i.e. lose weight and lifestyle changes), but I honestly don't know if I'll still be able to go through another self-inflicted, health related issue.

My husband and I also spent a lot of time discussing what we would do if I would be appointed as a judge since it would entail my relocation to the province. I have also began to really dig deep into my "why" behind becoming a judge. Is it really something I want or something that was planted in my psyche by my well-meaning parents and family members?

I think that I will be effective in the judiciary because my strengths align with the skillset needed to become a judge. But if I don't make the cut, I'm not going to lose sleep over it and will probably look towards another direction career-wise and then develop the necessary competencies to make a successful transfer. Either way, I know I'll have my family's support, so I'm good.

The waiting for my judgeship application continues into 2019, but in the meantime, there's work and my family to keep me busy. I'm also busy planning for and dreaming about our upcoming summer trip to Tokyo. This will just be the second out of the country trip for my little family (first for the baby) and we're really excited about it.

My mother's side of the family also has a grand reunion in the works for June so that's also something to look forward to.

Financially, I'll be done paying a majority of our personal loans by the first quarter of the year, thus, I'll be using some of the money earmarked towards loan payment towards the principal balance of our Pag-ibig mortgage. But our mortgage isn't the only thing that will be seeing some action because our savings will also be getting some serious loving this year.

The past year has taught me that my relationship with my husband is a constant work in progress and that there will be times when I won't be able to stand even the sight of him. But when the strong emotions have subsided and I am confronted with what we have built together and am reminded of the love we share and continue to share, I will once again realize just how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life.

And on that cheesy note, happy new year everyone! May 2019 be the year we break out of whatever's keeping us from becoming our best self.