It's February 1! We have officially survived the horror that was January! Was there ever a month in recent history that was as horrible as January 2020? Wait. Don't answer that. It might just reveal my ignorance of world events.
Anyway, in not so terrible news, I did not get the judgeship appointment that I've talked about ad nauseam in my blog.
Of course the rejection stung, but I was so tired of the more than two years wait and by then, any news, good or bad, was welcome. So when I found that the judgeship appointment was given to another person, I was like: Oh well, that sucks. So what do I do next?
It's the "What do I do next?" that's now preoccupying me.
I've tunnel-visioned on this appointment for the last 2 years and on being a judge for the last 3, that not having this to obsess over has left me slightly flummoxed.
I kept myself occupied these past few years thinking about how my life and my family's life will change with the appointment and I've mulled over various scenarios in response to the change (i.e. will I shuttle back and forth between Manila and Visayas? Will I bring my husband and kids with me? Are there good schools in Biliran? Can I continue running there?)
Now that I don't have a big change to plan for, I find myself twiddling my thumbs and gawping at the unknown future. If you're a planner with nothing to plan for, what's the point of living?!
Seriously though, the protracted wait made me reassess my reasons for wanting to be a judge.
I didn't grow up wanting to be a judge or even a lawyer for that matter. As a nerdy introvert, I wanted to be a librarian and read books all day or push a trolley around while returning books to their proper shelves. I also daydreamed about being a lab researcher peering into a microscope and listing down my observations.
But when I verbalized my dreams to my parents, they were appalled with my lack of ambition and worried that I would end up starving if left to my own devices, so they encouraged and pushed me to go into law school.
It was not a difficult choice to go into law school because my grandfather and ninong were lawyers (they were a fiscal and a judge, respectively) and I looked up to them, so being in the same profession they were in seemed like a good enough idea.
I still don't regret my choice though because the work I do now involves a lot of reading and researching, although not of cells and viruses, so it still satisfied my inner nerd.
Not surprisingly, the idea of being a judge was also implanted in my head by my parents and also not surprisingly, I went along with it because I'm malleable that way. Also, they were getting older and I wanted to be near them.
That's when I realized that I wanted to be a judge in our province to be near my parents and that I did not really want to be a judge per se.
Being a judge has a lot of perks but it also brings its own set of unique challenges, like being gunned down in broad daylight. I'll have to admit that the recent spate of violence towards judges and prosecutors made me breathe a sigh of relief when I found out that I wasn't appointed. I was willing to put myself at risk because that was what the job entailed and ginusto ko yon. But I was not willing to put my sons, who had no say in the matter, in the same risk.
I have no love for my daily commute to work, but during the 2 year wait, I found myself musing countless of times about the freedom of being able to go wherever I wanted using any mode of transportation or even just on foot. No way would I be able to do that as a judge.
But as it turned out, all of my planning and obsessing came to naught which now brings me to ask: What do I do next? I still haven't come up with the next grand plan, so in the meantime I will:
Spend time with my husband.
Enjoy my sons.
Read more tree-based books.
Finish my first marathon.
Contribute to a body of work that will outlive me and my children.
Try to make life a little easier for those around me.
In short, carry on lang but with the new goal of visiting my parents more often. I don't have to be a judge to spend more time with them, that's why God created vacation leaves and airplanes.